Author Archives: hubbarddon

COGNAC – Elixir of Youth

I keep a bottle of cognac in my house all the time. No, I don’t keep it to get high, I keep it to return to my youth. Let me explain.

COGNAC 4-2015In 1947 I was newly minted naval aviator. I was 21 and had just been attached to a stateside multi-engine bomber squadron. World War II had ended two years earlier and cuts in defense spending had reduced the money available for fuel, so training flights were limited. It looked like it might be a boring tour of duty. But this squadron had one blessing. They had a three plane detachment in what was then French Morocco, and that was my opportunity. I volunteered to go on deployment to this exotic location.

I arrived at the North African base in November, 1947, and was immediately taken with the strangeness of the place. I had never been outside the United States, and now here I was, in a land where the natives dressed in peculiar and strange clothing, where French and Arabic were spoken and where even the climate and vegetation was different. I was in awe.

It was not long after my arrival that one of the other officers, who had been at the detachment for nearly six months, invited me on a short tour of exploration to see the local sights off base. We checked out a Jeep from the Motor Pool, left the base and headed into the nearby town. We drove past burned out WWII tanks on the ridges, three bombed and sunken ships in the winding Sebou River, natives winnowing wheat piled in big circles by prodding tethered mules over it, large black and white storks nesting on chimneys and Arab mothers, some with tattooed faces, with babies on their backs, heads dangling over the side. Wood smoke from cooking fires permeated the air and food smells that I had never smelled wafted past. Wow!

Once in town my guide parked the jeep and walked me through the native market where there were open drainage ditches and baskets of local vegetables and raw meat (covered with flies) hanging in the food stands. Dark-skinned natives in hooded jlaiyyah, some with sheathed daggers hanging from their belts, haggled over prices. This was NOT the Bronx!.

We used up a couple of hours exploring this way when my guide asked me if I was hungry. Nodding in the ascent he walked me into a nearby ancient French bar, and after settling down barside he motioned to the bartender who came over to take our order.

I had no idea what to order or what was available, but my guide went right to it. “Un poulet et un cognac, se il vous plaît ”

“What’s that?” I queried.”

“Oh, I just ordered a cold cooked chicken – they’re small here – and a shot of cognac.”

I thought, “What the hell is cognac?” But I nodded, and not wishing to seem dumb or timid, I said, “I’ll have the same.” And so, my introduction to cognac!

Now, if you are not familiar with cognac , it has a very distinctive flavor, and it’s a hard liquor, similar in alcoholic content to whiskey, rum, and the rest, and that flavor implanted itself in my brain in a way that I did not then understand. In fact, that implant was not only a flavor, but a sensory memory that recorded not just the taste of cognac, but all of the memories of that exotic day. Burned out tanks, sunken ships, youthful excitement – all the memories.

Strangely, I did not realize the strong connection until perhaps forty years later when I casually bought a bottle of Courvoisier Cognac just to sample the beverage again. Wham! I was 21 again, new gold navy wings on my chest and transported back to 1947 Morocco. This French booze was the elixir of youth. I had found what Ponce de Leon spent his life looking for! One sip from the bottle – even a good sniff – and I am no longer an old guy living in Coronado, but a young naval aviator back in an old French bar, in a primitive war-torn Arabic town in North Africa, ripping a small cold chicken apart for lunch.

That, then, is the explanation, and so: “Un poulet et un cognac, se il vous plaît “

THE TAMING OF ROTTEN JOHN

Rotten John 001
A Children’s Book For Older Kids

Written and Illustrated by DON HUBBARD

Dedicated to all the parents throughout the
world who wouldn’t lay a hand on little Johnny
for fear of damaging his Id – but finally did.

Don Hubbard
Coronado, California

_____________________________________________________________________________________

This is the story about “Rotten”John,
Who screamed and yelled and carried on.
Who kept his mother so unnerved
That she never gave John what he deserved.

Never, that is, until one day
When John tried, but didn’t get his way.
So read within, you’ll understand
Why Johnny’s bottom was finally tanned.RJ1 001

John cried, “Oh Mom-you’re bad to me!
You make me bathe too frequently.
Let me decide when I’m not clean.
If you decide, that’s being mean.”
His Mom couldn’t stand his carrying on.
From that time on no soap touched John.
RJ2 001

“Hey Mom!” yelled John, “it’s just not fair.”
“I hate the way you brush my hair!”
He began to kick and cry and groan.
“I wish you’ld leave my hair alone.”
He promised he would brush his hair,
Then tossed the brush behind the chair.
RJ3 001

One day at dinner, in a terrible mood,
He said to his mother, “I hate your food!”
His mother sat there, crying sadly,
Regretting that she’d fed him badly.
So she let him eat what he found handy,
Just lots of cake and coke and candy.
RJ4 001

John’s mother said, “Please brush your teeth,
Both the ones on top and the ones beneath.”
But John didn’t like to brush his teeth,
Not the ones on top or the ones beneath.
So he threw the toothbrush over the wall,
And didn’t brush his teeth at all.RJ5 001

When school began John’s mother got
John lots of clothes that cost a lot.
It left her poor, but she didn’t care,
Her little boy had clothes to wear.
But Johnny, dear, could not care less
About the way she made him dress.RJ6 001

He climbed a wall and ripped his pants,
And tore off a button to squash some ants.
He walked in the mud out in the street
And used his shirt to wipe his feet.
I must admit, John’s Mom was sad,
But she still didn’t call her Johnny “bad”.RJ7 002

Not even when Granny came to the house
And told his Mom, “Your John’s a louse!
I’ve caught him hitting little girls,
And shooting BBs at the squirrels.”
But Johnny’s Mom cried, “Oh my, no!
John’s just high-strung, I’ll leave him so.”RJ8 001

So John grew smelly, John grew soiled,
John grew fat and terribly spoiled.
His hair was tangled, his teeth turned green.
He was the awfullest mess you’ve ever seen.
He lied and cheated, swore and stole,
His breath would melt a jelly roll.RJ9 001

The one thing everyone said about John,
It would be very nice if John were gone!”
And even John’s Mom began to pray
That some day John would run away.
But John knew what a deal he’d found,
So instead of running, he stayed around.RJ10 001

Then, one day, his luck ran out,
And that’s what I want to tell you about.
He yelled at his Mom, “You’re big and fat!”
[You must never tell a lady a thing like that]
His mother’s smile turned to a frown
As she slowly put her knitting down.
She snapped little Johnny across her lap.
Down came her hand, whap! whap! whap!RJ11 001

So there, you see, it was a nasty crack
That finally broke the camel’s back,
And made his Mom make up her mind
To redden little John’s behind.RJ12 001

The neighbors came from miles around
To listen to that welcome sound
Of Johnny yelling, “ouch, stop, whow!
Honest Mom, I’ll be good now.”
But she didn’t stop ’til she was sure
That his little bottom was good and sore.RJ13 001

That was the day John saw the light.
He learned to tell the wrong from right.
He kept himself all nice and neat,
And helped old ladies cross the street.
He cleaned his room and he was quiet.
He shifted to a vegetarian diet.RJ14 001

He never teased the girls or squirrels.
He brushed his teeth ’til they shone like pearls.
He took warm food to grandmother’s house,
Who no longer called little John a louse.
How long do you think he stayed that way?
About three days ’til the pain went away!RJ15 001

MONTEZUMA: HIS REVENGE

MONTEZUMA, HIS REVENGE

They said, you really hadn’t oughta
Drink anything but bottled water.
And food, it must be cooked quite well.
Otherwise, you just can’t tell.
Montezuma waits, they say,
To punish those who disobey.

Well, I’ve traveled far to different ports,
And eaten food of different sorts.
So who should fear tortilla chips
or simple guacamole dips.
Yet sure as I’m not Leon Trotsky
The Trotsky’s just what I have got-ski.

The Spaniards did some awful stuff
And treated Montezuma rough.
So Montezuma should give pain
To anyone who comes from Spain.
But that’s the thing that makes me sore.
I AM NO CONQUISTADOR!

ESCORTING AVERELL HARRIMAN

ESCORTING AVERELL HARRIMAN – NOVEMBER 1963
THE JOHN F. KENNEDY INTERMENT AT ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY

President John F. Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963 in Dallas, Texas. The nation was in shock, and like many who lived at that time, I can vividly remember, almost to the hour, hearing the news when I was stationed in Washington, DC. The President’s remains were flown back to Washington, and he laid in state for one day in the White House and was then taken on a horse drawn caisson down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capitol Rotunda, where he remained for another day prior to interment in Arlington, National Cemetery.

On November 23rd I took my family to the solemn Pennsylvania Avenue procession after which I returned to work at the Pentagon. On arrival I was summoned to an office, and here I was joined by 20 or 30 other navy officers. The reason? We had been selected to escort dignitaries in a motorcade from The Cathedral of St. Matthews, where a burial service was to be held, to Arlington National Cemetery across the Potomac River. We were ordered to report early next morning in full-dress white uniforms and bussed to the Cathedral where a phalanx of black limousines awaited as the dignitaries gathered. I was assigned to one of these vehicles and awaited the arrival of my charge.
William_Averell_Harriman
My charge turned out to be Averell Harriman, a former ambassador to the Soviet Union, presidential hopeful and now an important State Department official. Harriman was a tall, distinguished looking man, well known for his diplomacy with Stalin during WWII, and for his family’s vast fortune. He had two other guests with him, whose names I do not recall. The party climbed into the back of the car and I took my place on the front seat next to the driver. Shortly thereafter the procession began to move.

This was NOT a fast moving event. The enormously long line of limousines was following the horse-drawn caisson carrying the president’s casket. The Cathedral is located several blocks north of the White House, so the long procession had to proceed south on 17th St. to Constitution Avenue, turn right passing the Lincoln Memorial, and then cross the Arlington Memorial Bridge. As the slow procession moved along, Harriman and his companions occupied the time talking politics. Once we reached the cemetery, the long line of vehicles then had to follow the narrow curving streets of the cemetery to the grave-site.

The arrival at the cemetery was interesting to me as this vast memorial was a place that I was quite familiar with. When I was attending George Washington University, in D.C., I lived in an apartment in Arlington Towers, just a short distance from the famous burial ground. The cemetery was a pleasant, quiet place, so on good days I used to take my books there to study. While doing this I eventually learned where a great many famous personages were buried.

On this solemn day, once we had crossed the Arlington Memorial Bridge and began our gradual move to the grave-site, there was a prolonged pause in the political talk in the back seat.. Since their conversation had ended, and I was in this familiar territory, I turned in my seat, excused myself and interjected that a tombstone to our right marked the grave of Air Force General Claire Chennault of Flying Tiger fame. Harriman was instantly interested, so I began pointing out other significant headstones, talked of the many horse-drawn processions I had seen and spoke about the impressive Civil War graves on the top of the hill which had very elaborate monuments on them. Harriman was a good listener and asked several pertinent and interesting questions, most of which I could answer.

Eventually we arrived at the grave-site where all the guests were disembarking. The limos were being shunted off to a designated parking area further back, but just as he was getting out of the car the Ambassador handed me a paper and a pen and asked me to write down my name and duty station, which I did. He gave me a friendly smile as he folded the note and put it into his pocket.
Imagine my surprise when about three months later I was called into the front office by my commanding officer and handed a letter that Harriman had written. It commended me and thanked me for an interesting afternoon. What a nice generous thing for a very busy diplomat to do! That letter was placed in my record and probably helped convince the Selection Board to promote me to the rank of Commander. Thank you for the letter and thank you for the memory, Mr. Harriman!

Kennedy Grave-site

William Averell Harriman (November 15, 1891 – July 26, 1986) was an American Democratic Party politician, businessman, and diplomat. He was the son of railroad baron E. H. Harriman. He served as Secretary of Commerce under President Harry S. Truman and later as the 48th Governor of New York. He was a candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination in 1952, and again in 1956 when he was endorsed by President Truman but lost to Adlai Stevenson both times. Harriman served President Franklin D. Roosevelt as special envoy to Europe and served as the U.S. Ambassador to the Soviet Union and U.S. Ambassador to Britain. He served in numerous U.S. diplomatic assignments in the Kennedy and Johnson administrations. He was a core member of the group of foreign policy elders known as “The Wise Men”.

THE PUERTECITOS BURRITO

PUERTECITOS – In the northern part of the Sea of Cortez on the Baja side is the small town of Puertecitos. It is about 40 miles south of San Felipe on what is called an “improved” road. We drove down to it to paddle there, and when we had finished we located the one small café in town and ordered burritos. OUCH! The following poem tells the rest of the story.

THE PUERTECITOS BURRITO

My stomach’s made of armor plate
So I never worried ’bout what I ate
But that was before I had my date
With a Puertecitos Burrito

My curry would make a Hindu cry
I strew anchovies on pizza pie
There’s damn near nothin’ that I won’t try
But a Puertecitos Burrito

You name the food and I’ve had worse
If it’s really bad, then call a hearse
But they don’t kill you, and that’s the curse
Of a Puertecitos Burrito

Though the visit’s past and quite long gone
My memory keeps on dwelling on
Those foreign germs which live upon
The Puertecitos Burrito

Maalox, Tums, Pepto-Bismol too
Doesn’t matter what you do
The pain won’t stop till the bugs are through
From the Puertecitos Burrito

One day there’s a guy I’d like to meet
Whose stomach’s strong enough to eat
and whose mouth can stand the infernal heat
Of the PUERTECITOS BURRITO

ROTTEN JOHN DISCOVERS CHRISTMAS

ROTTEN JOHN DISCOVERS CHRISTMAS

When Christmas time was drawing near
His folks said, “This is Johnny’s year!
We’ll throw a party this December.
A party that he’ll long remember.

We’ll have a gift for every friend
No matter what we have to spend.”
And so they went into the city
Buying things they thought were pretty,

And things to make the party bright
for John, their son, it must be right.
Presents – lots for girls and boys,
Silly hats and Tonka toys.

Little dolls and dolly houses,
GI Joes and Micky Mouses.
Piggy banks and modeling clay.
And many little games to play.

Candy canes and chocolate squares.
Stuffed giraffes and Teddy Bears.
All these things and many more
All were brought home from the store.

And then each one was wrapped with care
For all the kiddies who’d be there.
The question then was where to stow
All the gifts so John wouldn’t know?

They wanted a place that would be safe
From the prying eyes of the little waif.
And so to keep him unaware
They selected the closet beneath the stair.

But they failed to lock that closet door
When they made a trip to the grocery store
Well, peeking in beneath the stair
Johnny saw the presents there.

And thinking that it would be fun
He ripped them open one by one.
His folks returned from where they’d shopped
To see the last torn wrapping dropped.

They watched little Johnny laugh and shout
As he scattered all the toys about’
Poor Momma cried in her despair.
And his father staggered to a chair.

But darling John paid little heed
And continued with his great misdeed.
Well, kids who cheat at Christmas time
Can expect to pay for that sort of crime

And as deserved, our Johnny paid
For in his little room he stayed
While presents went to the girls and boys
But for Rotten John – tough stuff- no toys’

IN MEMORY OF THOMAS CRAPPER

http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304854804579234082436462904
If you go to the above web site you will find the 6 December 2013 Wall Street Journal article about the Plumbing Museum in Watertown, Massachusetts. Thomas Crapper’s name is discussed. BTW – Tom’s name was given to the toilet, not the other way around. This ditty is one of the collection in my booklet, Days of Yore.

IN MEMORY OF THOMAS CRAPPER

(Thomas Crapper was a nineteenth Century English plumber
whose flushing toilet brought great change to households
everywhere.)

In days when folks were rarely known
To have flush toilets on the ‘Throne”,
A London plumber rose to fame.
Thomas Crapper was his name.

His patent shows a valveless pot
Of clean and shiny terra-cot.
Just pull the chain, the water flows.
And down the drain the sewage goes.

Well, smart as he was it’s no surprise
That Crapper knew how to advertise.
“An easy pull brings a certain flush.
No wait, no mess, no toilet brush.”

It’s phrases like that from a plumber, you see.
That are certain to appeal to royalty.
“Install the system!” his sovereign said.
“Replace the pots beneath the bed.”

Dukes and Duchesses, Counts and clowns.
Ladies in their fancy gowns,
Gentlemen portly and gentlemen dapper
Went to the Queen’s to see “The Crapper”.

Quickly the word spread, far and wide,
About the Queen’s new joy and pride.
And ancient castles replaced the trench
With the famous pot that reduced the stench.

First the nobles, then the gentry
Accepted Tom’s pot as elementary
Until throughout the British Isles
Tom’s system flushed the pooper piles.

With this to his credit, it’s sad to relate
Time slandered Tom by a quirk of fate.
A man of his genius deserves riches and fame.
And all that he got was a dirty name.

Don Hubbard ©

ROTTEN JOHN’S THANKSGIVING

John’s Mom and Dad were full of joy,
It was thanksgiving time for their little boy.
There was turkey and ham and peas, piled high
And yams and nuts and apple pie;

And special bread that grandmother made
That was thick with butter and marmalade
Johnny thought the food was splendid
Even while his gut distended.

Thanksgiving was what this food was for.
So giving thanks he stuffed in more.
“John!” cried Granny, “Don’t get ill.
If you eat more, you surely will!”

The wise advice was, of course, ignored
As John enjoyed the smorgasbord,
And the food, making up for the space it lacked
Cascaded down his intestinal track

Coming at last to that dangerous spot
The vestigial little appendix slot
Well that’s the place a pea selected
To settle down, undetected.

And there it festered, causing trouble
‘Til John, in pain, was bent up double.
Thanks to a hit of stray detritus
Rotten John had appendicitis

Antibiotics and a surgeon’s knife
Preserved our little Johnny’s life,
And after a costly hospital stay
John lived to eat another day.

And eat he did, but with greater caution
He’d learned to take a smaller portion!

SHIPS IN BOTTLES

Ship-in-Bottle Cover 001
Here is the book that launched 15,000 ships. In truth, they were tiny ships that fit into bottles, but these ships (or at least their builders) found out how to get them in there from this volume.

This how-to book was one of those impossible things that can happen to an author. Fact is, someone asked me to make them a ship-in-a-bottle and I had no idea how it was done. I scouted around looking for information on technique and all I could find was an article written by an old sea captain in a 1933 Popular Mechanics Magazine. I used this article as my guide and actually produced a bottled ship, but I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t a suitable book or booklet on the subject, so I embarked on the project hoping to get a booklet maker to buy the idea.

There was a well-known booklet maker (Walter T. Foster Art Books) in Tustin, a community on the just southeast of Los Angeles, and in 1970 I trekked up there with my offering to show them. I actually met Mr. Foster, and he just chuckled. He said that his first print run was always 10,000 copies and if anything was hard he would receive 10,000 letters complaining, and my work was too hard. But then he said, “I like the idea, but suggest that you take it to a real book publisher”. He suggested that I dig out a copy of Writer’s Market and look for publishers that do “How-To” books. Following his advice I selected McGraw-Hill and timidly offered them my modest manuscript. To my surprise they liked the idea but wanted more content. To this end they assigned me to an editor (an English guy whose uncle made bottled ships) who now coaxed me through the writing and illustration needed to produce a “real” book.

To make a long story short, McGraw sold the completed book to David & Charles, Ltd, a well know British publisher and they resold the rights to Verlag Delius Klasing, a German publisher who translated it into that language. Altogether McGraw printed 15,000 copies, David & Charles, 15,000 and the Germans another 20,000. Finally, when the rights were returned to me, I published another 10,000. So we know that there are 60,000 copies of this book are out there, and the best guess is that one out of every four buyers built and bottled one or more models- hence my 15,000 ships guess.

If this art-form interests you, get hold of a used (it is now out-of-print) copy of the book through Amazon.com and get busy. The process DOES NOT require patience, since you get too interested to become bored, and only requires minimal tools-most of which you make yourself. If you want to see some examples of others bottled ship go to www.shipsinbottles.org and www.folkartinbottles.com, and you can also join The Ships-In-Bottles Association of America (an application is on the website), an outfit I co-founded in 1982.

Finally, remember, if you do bottle a ship or other object it will probably still be around 500 years from now. What a memorial!

SON OF THE NEW YORKER

New Yorker 1st cover
I think we are all curious about why we are here. Was our birth planned or was it an accident?

Of course, few of us ever actually find the answer. Either we never ask mom or pop, or if we do the answer is evasive. Then again, sometimes the answer is not evasive, but it could still be misleading. What parent wants to tell a child that he/she was an accident, so we are always left with doubt. But sometimes circumstances may indicate the climate at the time of conception, and raise hope that maybe, just maybe, you are not the result of a mistake.

Considering that my sister was born in 1917 and I was born in 1926, I am no stranger to this problem. How come nine years intervened before I came along? It always looked like a mistake to me. It would to anybody! But then some information came to my attention that gave me hope that perhaps I really was a planned baby. That hope came from the New Yorker Magazine.

For many years I had heard that my father was published in the first issue of the New Yorker. I never paid a great deal of attention to that since there were other things to occupy my mind like a long career in the navy , moving here and there as part of it, marrying, divorcing, remarrying, raising and educating my children, and later, my civilian occupations. But then things slowed down. I sold my business, remarried for the third time, the kids went on to lead their own lives and like a lot of older folk I began to think about the genealogy of the family and who did what.

Most families pass along folders full of old newspaper clippings, faded photos, hair clippings, first teeth and other little sentimentalities that families like to keep. My parents and grandparents were no different, so I inherited a few cardboard boxes full of miscellany that was the representation of the family past. Going though this stuff is slow work, old papers crumble, semi-identified relatives and friends occupy time to try to re-identify, visiting kids dig in and rearrange things and the stacks are not in any chronological order anyway. Nevertheless the work progressed, and among the documents I came upon a couple of old mimeographed papers upon which my Dad had written, “This shows how Harold Ross was looking about, trying to find the right identity for the New Yorker”. The mimeographed sheets were rough guidelines that Ross was issuing to his editorial staff and to potential contributors. Wow – maybe the stuff about Dad and the first issue of the New Yorker had some basis for fact!

Next step was a letter to the New Yorker. Was my Dad in the first issue? The initial answer was “No, he was not.”, but they sent me a reprinted copy of that first edition and the information that he had four cartoons published in the magazine in the issues of December 5, 1925; January 30, 1926; October 30, 1926 and November 6, 1926. Well that scotched the idea that dad’s work might have appeared in the first issue of the magazine. I forgot about it for a few months but then I began to read through that February 21, 1925 magazine and – Gulp! – there it was on page 11. It was a short, two column article entitled, A Boon to Babbitts, by Ernest F. Hubbard. The New Yorker history folks had somehow missed it.

The old unanswered question crept back into my mind. Was I a mistake? Maybe that article in the first issue New Yorker and the later cartoons had some bearing on my existence? In 1925 my dad was still a young guy working his way up as a writer in a hat magazine. Money could not have been abundant. He was married, had a wife and a young daughter to raise. More income would be needed to increase the family size . Now here was money, New Yorker money. My day brightened. I was born on January 15, 1926, about 10 months after that first article appeared. The folks would have had plenty of time to snuggle up in bed, dreaming about this new source of income and about the future kid. Planned parenthood at its finest.

I gave thanks to Harold Ross. He must have been some kind of guy! But then that lingering doubt returned. If I was here as the result of the New Yorker article and its benevolent editor, how come they did not name me Harold or Ross? Wherefrom Donald? No one will ever know and hardly anyone but me will care. We are back to square one, but Ross Hubbard wouldn’t have had a bad ring to it!